by Anthony Le | Dec 2022
This article was originally published in the Aqua Plums Substack. Subscribe to get new blogs sent to your email.
Take a look at yourself. What do you see?
I look at myself in the mirror before I leave my home. A subconscious prepping and primping to ease my anxiety. If I look this certain way, no one will shame me. But I am ashamed of how old I look and how old my body feels. People card me for the booze and cigarette. I wish I could forget what I compare myself to.
What is the opposite of being self-conscious?
“Self-obliteration” is a concept I learned from Yayoi Kusama. There is a film titled this that you can watch on youtube. It is an act of non-avoidance and instead leaning into something over and over until it obliterates itself. Perhaps the most famous example is Kusama’s Infinity Mirrors which I got to see at the Hirshhorn a few times. Little dots of light repeated to infinity and beyond. Kusama also used this technique to confront things that bothered her, and sexuality was a common theme in her earlier work.
What happens if you try to self-obliterate your self-image?
Sasha Gordon was the first painter I became aware of who was exploring this idea.
In this artnet interview, Gordon said, “Growing up, I guess I had a hard time seeing myself as a person. Painting myself so solidly is a way of making myself feel more permanent and present.”
In this Vogue interview, she added, “Representing myself in my works made me feel proud of my body. I had control—of the lighting, colors, scale, how it moved. I don’t try to make my body look better than real life.”
Gordon creates fictional narrative paintings where she uses her self-image as characters in funny scenes. Sound like anyone you know? Spoiler alert, it’s me.
Here’s one of my first paintings, and the only work I’ve titled “Self Portrait.” I remember being happy that it captured my likeness especially the eye cavity.
I’ve made many paintings since using my self-image mostly because I’m the cheapest model that’s always available. Painting my image over and over has given me more freedom in expressing my body and therefore judging it less. It has allowed me to laugh at myself more and encouraged me play with fashion in a new way (having access to Ashley’s huge vintage closet helps too).
Self-portraiture breaks the essence of a person down into smaller chunks. How does this nostril shadow look? How do the wrinkles in the face allude to the shape of the skull? By treating the body like an archaeological dig, you can trick yourself into embracing with the imperfections that make you who you are.
Don’t waste time trying to fit into someone else’s idea of what you should look like. There have been some unscientific experiments about generating the “most beautiful” face, and they created the most bland ass faces in the same way plastic surgery creates the blandest faces.
Find out what you look like. I propose that you paint or draw yourself and then keep doing it.
Focus on capturing those wrinkles and areas of fat that some old rich person would shame you for because fuck them. This is who you are, and you deserve to be a work of art, and you deserve to be able to look at yourself without self-hate. That’s when the fun really begins.
